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Sliming the Annual Employee Performance Review

/ 7.13.16

“If there's something weird, an7-13-16-Sliming-the-Annual-Employee-Performance-Review.jpgd it don't look good…who you gonna call?”


Standard annual employee performance reviews sure feel weird, don’t they? The weeks of nervous anticipation in advance (for employees and managers alike) and the awkward conversation that recalls things that happened months and months ago. Does anyone remember clearly what the circumstances were? And the painful expectation that this review directly influences the employee’s salary or hourly rate.


It’s time we call Ghostbusters on those bad boys. Let’s finish off the traditional employee performance review for good. And who better than Melissa McCarthy and crew to get the job done?


We’re gonna borrow a few tools from the Ghostbusters team to blast those scary, formal performance reviews out of the picture, for good.


Proton Pack

This energy weapon fires a stream of protons that polarizes the negatively charged energy of a ghost, allowing it to be held in the stream. If only we could get our hands on one of these beauties, we’d love to blast the negatively-charged energy from the dreaded annual employee performance review. Boom! Negative energy -- be gone! Then, we can replace the annual review with regular one-on-one conversations that feel more like a conversation than an interview.


Slime Blower

As gross as that green oozing stuff is, the idea of psychomagnetic mood slime that has been reinforced with positive emotions to neutralize its negatively reinforced counterparts could be useful. The next time a manager heads into an annual performance review (You’re still having those? We really need to talk.) with a traditional top-down and one-way approach to conducting the review, we could arm the employee with a slime blower. It’s time to put a bit of the control and conversation into the hands of the employees who are being assessed. “Don’t mind the slime, Manager Mike. It’s time for my review, and this time, I have a few things I’d like to discuss too.” Hm, maybe not the most sanitary (or respectful) approach. Could we suggest ditching the annual review all together, instead? Or advise you to at least ask performance review questions that foster two-way conversation? 



Struggling to recall what your employee did over the past year so that you can prepare for their annual review? Try on a pair of these super-flattering goggles (really, they’re not that bad) and you’ll be able to see normally invisible ghosts. Or, um, the ghosts of your employee’s past successes and failures.


The Ecto-Containment Unit

This fancy containment unit uses a high-voltage grid of lasers to store captured ghosts indefinitely. Just like the filing cabinet where all of your company’s old annual review documents are kept, never to be accessed again. We think it’s time to turn off the grid, release the ghosts (of annual performance reviews past), and find a way to build positive, two-way relationships. How about a technology-based tool that provides goal setting, feedback, and employee motivation using data that can be updated, accessed and shared in real time? Doesn’t sound quite as cool as an ecto-containment unit, but we promise, it’s even more powerful.


Are you on-board with the need to blast the old-school review process into the stratosphere? Build a better performance management system with real-time One-on-One meetings and our free template: The GOOD One-on-One Meeting Template to focus one-on-one conversations around Goals, Obstacles, Opportunities, and Decisions.


Learn more about one-on-one meetings



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